Monday, February 23, 2004
Owning Up
You left me for dead
Sprawled on the floor
Is any damage left undone
I stare up at the sky
Looking for a god
All I see's a dark abyss
Didn't bother with goodbye
Barely looked me in the eye
It was then I understood
Confirmed all my fears
Shattered all my dreams
The omega of all time
And I'm sorry for my crimes
I didn't mean to hurt
I thought life was one big joke
I don't mean the things I say
I'll tell them to go away
Does that change a thing
I should have made the call
I should have gave more
Why did I go wrong
You're an answer to a prayer
A window in a cell
And now it's growing dark
You left me for dead
Sprawled on the floor
Is any damage left undone
I stare up at the sky
Looking for a god
All I see's a dark abyss
Didn't bother with goodbye
Barely looked me in the eye
It was then I understood
Confirmed all my fears
Shattered all my dreams
The omega of all time
And I'm sorry for my crimes
I didn't mean to hurt
I thought life was one big joke
I don't mean the things I say
I'll tell them to go away
Does that change a thing
I should have made the call
I should have gave more
Why did I go wrong
You're an answer to a prayer
A window in a cell
And now it's growing dark
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Fuck I am so goddamn bored out of my mind. I can't drive myself anywhere because I don't have a license and I can't get a ride anywhere because people hate driving me. Not like anyone would want to have me anywhere near them anyways. Great friends. I'm a pretty nice guy I'd think. I go more than out of my way to help a lot of the people I know. What do I get in return? A "Thanks." and a slap in the face whenever I need something. blah bvlah blah blkah ablha blha bkab blah blah balhb balh balh blajh blkah blah blha. Look i got it right in some places. I don't think I will ever look back if I leave. It will either be that or I'll miss everyone so much I go crazy. One or the other. I like the first, but like I ever get a say in anything about my life. I have my mom's keys in my pocket so I can commandeer it to go somewhere when my parents say they don't want to take me out, but now I don't have to worry about that because I don't have anywhere to go because I have no friends. Problem solved? So I will just type away on this little keyboard, remembering yesterday's greatest and wishing it was tomorrow's worst. I wonder what would make everything right? A girlfriend? I don't know because then I'd need money to pay for everything and to keep the money flowing in I'd need a job which means I'd have to work and me and work don't go so well together. To get out? Then I'd need to work. I wish my parents were rich, that'd make things better. If they were I'd have my license by now because supposedly I didn't go to driver's ed earlier was because we didn't have the money to pay. We stopped going to Blessed because we didn't have money. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but it changed my life. I'd have a bigger allowance so then I could buy drugs and phase all this shit out. Maybe I should start drinking.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Sometimes: Excerpts from the Mind of a Madman
Sometimes I blah blah blah.(Have to make it a genuine "Sometimes".) I cried the most I've cried in a couple of years.(Maybe not that long, but longer than I'd expect.) It was a couple of tear drops, my hardest I remind you, but they were those massive teardrops, at least they feel really big rolling down my cheeks. I hated myself for doing it because I never cry alone. It seems so dumb. I mean, no one is around to see you crying yeah, but I don't think a pillow would ever come close to a human(or monkey) shoulder.
I was "crying" about a lot of things really. That damn Tony Bellizi(Belizi? Beleezee? Gibson?) brought up a bunch of stuff for me to think about. First is my "friends." All a bunch of fakes. Raul making fun of me. Ashley blowing me off. Chris & Co. abandoning me. Mike's the only one really by my side it seems. Even though he has all the stupidest jokes(Joey Lawrence and the various walks), he's hilarious.
First of those "problems" is Raul. He was always the only one who ever thought I was right about getting out of here in the old days and now he's laughing at me because I don't have every single specific worked out. He asks what work I'm going to do and I say anything. So he says "I don't think you can be anything, Robbie." I'll slit that fat fuck's throat. Piece of shit best friend he is. He's right, though. If writing doesn't get me anywhere, I'm stuck(and fucked) for life.
Ashley hasn't talked to me in a while. She has some reason. I(always) have been acting like an ass, but I hate not talking to her for a while. It makes me feel empty inside as stupid as that may seem. I miss talking to her all the time, like back when we would talk for a couple of hours everyday. I think back then was when she liked me(if she ever liked me after The End(you know what I mean)) and I should have tried at least. Then, if she shot me down, there would be closure with this and then I wouldn't miss talking to someone so much(if that's better than missing them). I hate going places with her friends. They're cool and all, but I don't feel in front of them. She, however, knows all my weaknesses and doesn't care how stupid or gay I sound.
Chris & Co. is a whole other matter. I considered those fucks my friends and now they would never notice if I was gone. Like I care. They're a bunch of jerks most of the time anyways. Goddamn Chris is the worst. He says things that don't have anything to do with what we're talking about and it doesn't even make sense. Then, when I ask what the fuck he's saying, he says I'm a retard for not understanding. I'd kill that fucking leprechaun if it wasn't illegal. I try to ignore him, but he doesn't leave me the fuck alone. If I had less classes(or none I wish) with him, it'd be a lot more obvious and I wouldn't have to deal with him.....EVER!
I have a lot more to say, but that shall be in a later installment or maybe not.
"Be like the birds, sing after every storm."
Sometimes I blah blah blah.(Have to make it a genuine "Sometimes".) I cried the most I've cried in a couple of years.(Maybe not that long, but longer than I'd expect.) It was a couple of tear drops, my hardest I remind you, but they were those massive teardrops, at least they feel really big rolling down my cheeks. I hated myself for doing it because I never cry alone. It seems so dumb. I mean, no one is around to see you crying yeah, but I don't think a pillow would ever come close to a human(or monkey) shoulder.
I was "crying" about a lot of things really. That damn Tony Bellizi(Belizi? Beleezee? Gibson?) brought up a bunch of stuff for me to think about. First is my "friends." All a bunch of fakes. Raul making fun of me. Ashley blowing me off. Chris & Co. abandoning me. Mike's the only one really by my side it seems. Even though he has all the stupidest jokes(Joey Lawrence and the various walks), he's hilarious.
First of those "problems" is Raul. He was always the only one who ever thought I was right about getting out of here in the old days and now he's laughing at me because I don't have every single specific worked out. He asks what work I'm going to do and I say anything. So he says "I don't think you can be anything, Robbie." I'll slit that fat fuck's throat. Piece of shit best friend he is. He's right, though. If writing doesn't get me anywhere, I'm stuck(and fucked) for life.
Ashley hasn't talked to me in a while. She has some reason. I(always) have been acting like an ass, but I hate not talking to her for a while. It makes me feel empty inside as stupid as that may seem. I miss talking to her all the time, like back when we would talk for a couple of hours everyday. I think back then was when she liked me(if she ever liked me after The End(you know what I mean)) and I should have tried at least. Then, if she shot me down, there would be closure with this and then I wouldn't miss talking to someone so much(if that's better than missing them). I hate going places with her friends. They're cool and all, but I don't feel in front of them. She, however, knows all my weaknesses and doesn't care how stupid or gay I sound.
Chris & Co. is a whole other matter. I considered those fucks my friends and now they would never notice if I was gone. Like I care. They're a bunch of jerks most of the time anyways. Goddamn Chris is the worst. He says things that don't have anything to do with what we're talking about and it doesn't even make sense. Then, when I ask what the fuck he's saying, he says I'm a retard for not understanding. I'd kill that fucking leprechaun if it wasn't illegal. I try to ignore him, but he doesn't leave me the fuck alone. If I had less classes(or none I wish) with him, it'd be a lot more obvious and I wouldn't have to deal with him.....EVER!
I have a lot more to say, but that shall be in a later installment or maybe not.
"Be like the birds, sing after every storm."
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
someone: like your a totally awsome guy who says the best shit cuz its funny and im sure a million people would love to get to know u if ud let them. find something to do with yourself like i know this sounds so gay.. a club or a sport do something enter your writing in the school newspaper do shit that makes you happy and takes your mind off of the gay shit falling down around you
someone: well thats what i do and it sucks trying to make yourself artificially happy but after a while you find your not even faking it anymore well thats how it is with cheerleading
I love that so much it's sad. Or maybe I just want to cry because the grammar's so bad. Here's an old Christmas present from one of my cool cousins.
Berto
You make me laugh
You NEED a bath
Your hair is big
Do you like figs?
You are funny
When your nose is runny
And it makes me laugh
To think of you hopping like a bunny
You are quiet
Unless you know the person well
And then you never leave them alone
And you bug them like...alot
But that is fine
As long as I don't have to be nice to you ALL the time
Just kidding, Berto
You're the bestest cousin in the
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Great stuff. But let me ask you one question.
D
Do
Do y
Do yo
Do you
Do you l
Do you li
Do you lik
Do you like
Do you like a
Do you like ar
Do you like art
Do you like arti
Do you like artic
Do you like artich
Do you like articho
Do you like artichok
Do you like artichoke
Do you like artichoke h
Do you like artichoke he
Do you like artichoke hea
Do you like artichoke hear
Do you like artichoke heart
Do you like artichoke hearts
Do you like artichoke hearts?
someone: well thats what i do and it sucks trying to make yourself artificially happy but after a while you find your not even faking it anymore well thats how it is with cheerleading
I love that so much it's sad. Or maybe I just want to cry because the grammar's so bad. Here's an old Christmas present from one of my cool cousins.
Berto
You make me laugh
You NEED a bath
Your hair is big
Do you like figs?
You are funny
When your nose is runny
And it makes me laugh
To think of you hopping like a bunny
You are quiet
Unless you know the person well
And then you never leave them alone
And you bug them like...alot
But that is fine
As long as I don't have to be nice to you ALL the time
Just kidding, Berto
You're the bestest cousin in the
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Great stuff. But let me ask you one question.
D
Do
Do y
Do yo
Do you
Do you l
Do you li
Do you lik
Do you like
Do you like a
Do you like ar
Do you like art
Do you like arti
Do you like artic
Do you like artich
Do you like articho
Do you like artichok
Do you like artichoke
Do you like artichoke h
Do you like artichoke he
Do you like artichoke hea
Do you like artichoke hear
Do you like artichoke heart
Do you like artichoke hearts
Do you like artichoke hearts?
Sunday, February 08, 2004
True Tales of Human Trauma
My "mother" says the other day "Looks like I did a Robbie." What the hell does that mean? That I'm a mistake and that I'm not supposed to be here at all? She tells me that all the time, the fucking bitch. Said I wasn't supposed to be born and that they had to have Sonny so I could have someone to play with(because God forbid I make friends with kids outside of the family). Or is it that I fuck up so often, when she thinks of mistakes, she thinks of me? I'm the one who fucks up the least. Sonny's a retard, Franky's on his way, and Daniel's seven and barely learning to read. I was reading hundred page Goosebumps books by then. The weren't exactly hard books to read, but I don't expect Daniel to be reading Dickens. I'm the only one who has any promise of getting into an exceptional college and she barely made it out of college. The God damned, drugged cow.
Today, my parents were going to force me to go to some stupid shit meeting. It was a meeting for an organization I didn't want to be in in the first place, so obviously I objected. My parents get pissed at me, like they did me this huge favor by taking me to my grandma's. My aunt says that she can take me home since she was going to the west side anyways and they get pissed at me for asking. I never fucking asked. My aunt, and the whole family probably, can just tell that I have bad parents who never wanted kids in the first place(see above), so she tried to save me for a little while from their tyranny. I'll kill them all before I leave.
My "mother" says the other day "Looks like I did a Robbie." What the hell does that mean? That I'm a mistake and that I'm not supposed to be here at all? She tells me that all the time, the fucking bitch. Said I wasn't supposed to be born and that they had to have Sonny so I could have someone to play with(because God forbid I make friends with kids outside of the family). Or is it that I fuck up so often, when she thinks of mistakes, she thinks of me? I'm the one who fucks up the least. Sonny's a retard, Franky's on his way, and Daniel's seven and barely learning to read. I was reading hundred page Goosebumps books by then. The weren't exactly hard books to read, but I don't expect Daniel to be reading Dickens. I'm the only one who has any promise of getting into an exceptional college and she barely made it out of college. The God damned, drugged cow.
Today, my parents were going to force me to go to some stupid shit meeting. It was a meeting for an organization I didn't want to be in in the first place, so obviously I objected. My parents get pissed at me, like they did me this huge favor by taking me to my grandma's. My aunt says that she can take me home since she was going to the west side anyways and they get pissed at me for asking. I never fucking asked. My aunt, and the whole family probably, can just tell that I have bad parents who never wanted kids in the first place(see above), so she tried to save me for a little while from their tyranny. I'll kill them all before I leave.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Say it ain't so
>From: shouts@newyorker.com
>To: bierayas61@hotmail.com (I took a few letters out to make sure no one sends me any junk I hope it works)
>Subject: Re: submission
>Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2004 14:58:27 -0500
>
>Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work. We regret
>that we
>cannot use your submission. Best of luck placing the piece elsewhere.
Goddamn sons of whores. Publishers of the New Yorker thinking they can't say yes to my work. I will kill them. Oh yes, I will. Drop a hydrogen bomb on the whole God-forsaken city. That was in response to me sending them that "An Attempt at What to Say When Someone Tells You to Say Something" rant that I thought went over well. I was looking at some thing that the New Yorker had in there called "7 Rules About Dating My Ex-Wife" and it seemed pretty simlar to what I put. I sent them my trip to New York story, too. I bet, if they print it, they print it because it's a new, fresh view on their great town. Nu-age sluts.(Yup, that's how you spell new in these days.) I hope Threepenny will take me. They got the story that's been all the rage at Loretto, that was leaked before I could have a press conference to release it. Threepenny pays big bucks(in my eyes, at least). I'm not worried about Spork because I sent them crap anyways.
>From: shouts@newyorker.com
>To: bierayas61@hotmail.com (I took a few letters out to make sure no one sends me any junk I hope it works)
>Subject: Re: submission
>Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2004 14:58:27 -0500
>
>Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work. We regret
>that we
>cannot use your submission. Best of luck placing the piece elsewhere.
Goddamn sons of whores. Publishers of the New Yorker thinking they can't say yes to my work. I will kill them. Oh yes, I will. Drop a hydrogen bomb on the whole God-forsaken city. That was in response to me sending them that "An Attempt at What to Say When Someone Tells You to Say Something" rant that I thought went over well. I was looking at some thing that the New Yorker had in there called "7 Rules About Dating My Ex-Wife" and it seemed pretty simlar to what I put. I sent them my trip to New York story, too. I bet, if they print it, they print it because it's a new, fresh view on their great town. Nu-age sluts.(Yup, that's how you spell new in these days.) I hope Threepenny will take me. They got the story that's been all the rage at Loretto, that was leaked before I could have a press conference to release it. Threepenny pays big bucks(in my eyes, at least). I'm not worried about Spork because I sent them crap anyways.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Nowadays: The Further Deterioration of a Madman
Fuck, do I hate having to stay in this house all day. I was looking forward to being sick, but now it's not as all as fun as I imagined it would be. Watching T.V. all day. Doing homework the rest of the time. Makes me want to puke(or maybe that's the sickness). Days like these are when I don't feel like living. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't feel like going to school ever again, but I got a little shocked into not wanting to drop out, of course that won't last long though. I don't know any girls who are giving me the eye, except for when I lie to myself. Maybe if I had a girlfriend I'd be happy, but who knows, and, then if I'm not happy, I'd lose what little money I have on a couple dumb dates. I just don't want to be alive. It's not like I pray for death. I just want to disappear. Be non-existent. Then there'd be no worries(, mate). I need to leave. I hate this house.
"As darkness craves the mind, we come undone without our pride."
Fuck, do I hate having to stay in this house all day. I was looking forward to being sick, but now it's not as all as fun as I imagined it would be. Watching T.V. all day. Doing homework the rest of the time. Makes me want to puke(or maybe that's the sickness). Days like these are when I don't feel like living. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't feel like going to school ever again, but I got a little shocked into not wanting to drop out, of course that won't last long though. I don't know any girls who are giving me the eye, except for when I lie to myself. Maybe if I had a girlfriend I'd be happy, but who knows, and, then if I'm not happy, I'd lose what little money I have on a couple dumb dates. I just don't want to be alive. It's not like I pray for death. I just want to disappear. Be non-existent. Then there'd be no worries(, mate). I need to leave. I hate this house.
"As darkness craves the mind, we come undone without our pride."
